natural trouble finder?

sometimes i think i get myself into troubles more than i get myself some sanity!

this time, its real blurness..

well, here's the scenario.. i have work to do and my other team members have a huge problem for the project. well, the problem really (and really) does not concern me cuz i'm really not related to the problem. but as a 'team member' (so to speak) wanted to stay back with my team members with the mentality of 'being part of the team'. so, i thought that my team members would leave office at the latest at 8pm cuz i need a lift to church for an event. but as the time went by.. it went to 9pm, 10pm.. and now 12am. i missed out the event in church.

on the other side, i've been encouraging my friends to go for the event in church and i had some responsibility to do for that event. i was all eager to go there and really wanted to go there after work since i've had a long week at work lately. but.. i missed it. and obviously my friends were dissapointed, or at least a small hinch of anger, of my absence in church. some of my colleagues knows that i was going to church and yep.. still in office with them here.

now the question is.. did i do what i did right?

there a thousand and one things that i could have done. but what i dont quite understand about myself is why did i stay here in office and i should be in church? or why am i staying here when the problem really doesnt concern me when i should be in doing what i was assigned to do in church? my colleague was just telling me.. 'if i were you, i would have just left early'. yeah, i could have done that, but my thoughts was, 'hey! we're part of a team, would you leave the team here all stressed out when you are out having fun??' of cuz i didnt say that.. i kept silent. then they kept asking me.. 'what are you doing here? you should be in church'.. well, that got me thinking.. 'why am i staying here again?'

my another friend was pretty shocked to see me online. i was telling him about my situation and well, we came to a conclusion. i'm very blurred and torn between 2 responsibility. where i am unable to make my decision to why i react the way i reacted. well, i have 2 obvious responsibility at this point of time: 1) a worker and a team player. 2) a church member. which one should i give more priority? as a worker, i bet God would want us to perform our best at work but as a church member, God would want us to learn from Him. well, of cuz point 2 sounds more logical and rasional for a christian but what happens when you are really required to work then? are you disobeying God? its like when i was once asked to work on one saturday and sunday which forced me to missed church that weekend. i was so furious cuz i had to miss church, but would it be rasional for me to be all determine and insist to my boss that i must not work on sundays? cuz when i did work that one sunday, and missed church, i still managed to feel God's presence at work (cuz i prayed that morning in office for a sound mind) and i realised that my boss too had to give up more sacrifices that no one knew about.
but anywayz, the question is still.. did i do what i did right? by putting my work first instead of church activities? another blur dilemma..

COD - Prayer

Prayer is to change.
Prayer is to make something change.
Prayer is to believe that something will change.

hmm..then what is it that makes a Christian prayer different from other religion's prayer?

well, there are so many religions and tribes and cults that prays (i think) but what is it that makes their prayer different from a Christian prayer? this caught my attention when i was checking through some other websites that had the discussion on COD's topic on prayer. they mentioned that there are so many other religion that prays out of fear, respect, and ritual or to get something. i think that makes it different enough that Christian prays to communicate with the Father.

'A man prayed, and at first he thought prayer was talking. But he became more and more quiet until in the end he realized that prayer is listening' ~ SØren Kiérkegaard (extract from COD)

after reading the chapter, i was reflected back on my previous prayer life. in one word.. dull. it was either alot of word and no meaning or simply, no prayer at all. we, well i, tend to use alot of flowerly words to express word but sometimes dont quite mean it. well, not saying that using bombastic words are wrong but if its meaningless words, is a meaningless prayer. i remember once a girl had to say her prayer for her first time in a large group. before her there were a few other people that were prayer in very boombastic, long, and convincing prayers but when her turn came to pray, her prayer was simply 'Lord, i donno how to pray but i pray you help us not to do stupid stupid things. amen.' cute, simple and (if you were there at the moment) you could feel the sincerity when she said that prayer. yeah, its a lil cute and funny but it was very child like prayer that has alot of faith in what she prayed for. which i think is what the Father ultimately seeks.

having faith when praying
that girl had full faith when praying that simple prayer. well, i know i dont sometimes. we sometimes pray, 'Lord, if it's possible..' or 'Lord, could you...' if from readin in John 17, Jesus prayed and in that whole chapter, there was never a word 'if' in it. he had full faith and trust to God and that was the last prayer before he was arrested. like how Richard Foster said it.. 'they obviously believed that they knew what the will of God before they prayed the prayer of faith.'

building the relationship
reminded and realised alot. reminded that building a relationship is when we communicate with someone, whether it is with our friends, family or God. we need to communicate. and prayer is a communication tool used to communicate with God. realised that i have not been communicating much with God itimately. well, aside from my daily hectic schedule at work and sleepless night thinking about everything else under the sun, i always seem to have the 'not-enough-time' disease. when reading the first few pages, Richard Foster listed some giants that actually spend hours(!) in prayer. that's a real challenge to me but it doesnt seem to be when i am talking to my friend. i like how Richard Foster puts it as a comfort.. 'Occasional joggers are not instant Olympic marathoner.' but that doesnt mean that i have the right to be occasional joggers all the time, right? *wink*

conclusion
the whole chapter got me to really realised how important it is to pray and to believe in our prayer cuz prayer is to change. whether it is to change ourselves, change our environment or change or mindset.. to be more like Christ. i'm now trying to make it my discipline which is to pray before i start my work. seen the result when i do and when i dont, and yeah, prayer changes.

what would it had been..

a stroll along the streets,
with different people all around me;
with various styles and actions,
i'm thinking, 'what would it be if that was me?'

seeing one corner,
a teen with stylious clothes looking quite fine;
talking aloud with a cigarrette in one hand,
i'm thinking, 'what would it be if that was me?'

seeing one corner,
a tired young adult after working time;
with a pile of work on her lap slowly dozing off,
i'm thinking, 'what would it be if that was me?'

seeing one corner,
an oldie sitting alone with no one to meet;
with no one to talk too,
i'm thinking, 'what would it be if that was me?'

you can tell that i've been thinking quite alot, eh. well, i was just thinking to myself, 'what would it had been if i had taken another course in my life'. i mean, there are many times that in life that i could have done something else. even like going to a different college or working in a different place, i can guarantee, my life would have been a whole different story.

eventhough, i am where i am now (with alot God's grace and guidance!), i always like to think, what if i were the 'other' me. i bet my parents would have gotten more grey hair! hehe.. well, there's always a part of me that wants to be the 'other' me. a part of me where i didnt have to worry so much about anything and just indulge myself to what i want and just be part of the world. i would have spoke what is out from mouth and couldnt care about anyone. i would have gone to places that everyone have gone, to drink whatever everyone had drank, to be like what everyone is..

then.. when i reflect back again on what God's grace has done to me and what He has blessed me with, i am left speechless. well, i'm not saying that my life is a bed of rosses, heck i'm getting myself into alot of challenges and even more as a christian and all the more, the tendency for me to be the 'other' me. BUT i guess there's always something for me to be grateful for at the end of the day (although there are times i do slip into the 'other' me *opz*).

well, i guess, i'll just never know what would it had been.

dang! missed it..

missed the first week of COD.. dang!

i think the whole idea of me blogging and to be actively involve in posting is really a discipline on its own. haha.. yes, my APPOLOGIES to everyone who are involved in the COD cycle (with Messy Christian), so sorry i missed out the first chapter. reason? i'm caught up with work. a lame excuse but yeah, really caught up. its like 12am now and for some reason, i'm still in the client's place trying to do some fixing and checking on some function (yep, i'm working in a software house) and for some reason, there is some technical error happening now. (and i'm taking a break now *grin*)

i really do want to post on COD, but due to some really really tight schedule now with work (where i am required to work on weekends overnight) for up to 14th june, my time are spend mostly at work. by the time i get home to read COD and to do some review and thoughts, my eyes and brain dozes off at page 3. however (!!), i shalt not giveth up! hehe, yes, i will still post on chap 1 of COD as well as chap 2. a lil far behind but yes, i will still be part of it. (altho i might just start from chap 2 *wink*)

bloggers unite in 'celebration of discipline'

* initial attempt was to have the 'Celebration of Discipline' book picture.. still figuring how to work it out.. *
(24-june-05: finally got it!!! hehe)

anywayz, i've decided to join with the rest of the other bloggers as started by Messy Christian to blog on Celebration of Discipline.. now, this is pretty cool aside from the fact that i've kinda have read through some of the chapters in preparation for cell.

reading Celebration of Discipline was really helped in trying to understand on some of the discipline that we do as christians. well, sometimes when we are asked to pray, for example, there are some questions to why do we need to pray? why is it important to pray? what is the difference of other religion praying and a christian prayer? richard foster puts it in a manner that reflects on the importance or significance of prayer and how to practice the discipline. the book also discuss on other disciplines so, yeah, its a good book to read as a new christian or as a ol' timer christians. well, kinda think of it, whether we are new or old christians, we constantly need to have a reminder or a nudge on our christian walk.

anywayz, if there's anyone else out there that is interested in joining the bloggers in the Celebration of Discipline, its still not too late! :D we're starting this month onwards and yeah, join us.